The Spark

3:30AM.  Going to be really tired in the morning.  Having trouble sleeping.  One of Trevor's family members is in my hotel room - not sure how it got in here, but the things freak me out.  Sometimes you can be surrounded by people and feel lonelier than ever.  I wish I had that spark.  You know, the ease that some people have relating to each other and having conversations with each other.  I'd like to be positive and inspirational all the time, but I just can't be.  Not when I don't feel positive or inspirational.  Trying to enjoy the last Derbycon as much as I can, but it's not easy.  When I'm in huge groups, I just feel like I take up too much space.  I try to shy away from people.  I'm awkward when I talk to people as well.  I have plenty going on in my head, but not much to say.  And I keep saying the dumbest things.  Someone I look up to actually said, "Hi" to me.  (I'm still surprised when people I look up to say "Hi" to me.)  I said something and I guess he didn't get the reference, or he thinks I'm weird - maybe both.  I am weird, but that's besides the point.  I was referencing a movie I really like, an old black and white film, and he'd talked about having conversations with imaginary people/figures and well, that's what the movie was about.  I realized that it could be taken offensively.  The guy in the movie drank a lot and people thought that he was insane.  I doubt that this particular person reads my blog/journal, but if he does, I did not mean to offend you.  I apologize.

Feels like I'm always saying sorry for something.  Constant foot in my mouth type problem.  Just for future reference, if I say something offensive, I'm usually not intending to be offensive.  I just don't realize it's offensive until later.  I blame part of this on my upbringing.  I'd rather not get into personal details, but suffice it to say, it wasn't the best. 

At least I felt better in the concert.  That was loud enough that I didn't have to talk to anyone. 

This social stuff is why I prefer writing and singing oddly enough.  I don't have to immediately send out what comes into my head.  I can reflect on it and consider how other's might interpret it before sending it out.  As for singing, I believe I've mentioned this before, it's someone else's words, and people tend to look past your appearance if they think you have an ok voice.  It doesn't even have to be a mediocre voice - just generally pleasant. 

I'm writing this because this is kind of a journal to me - not really something I expect people to read.  But if they do, it's not a big deal.  The issue I have with myself, is my mind.  Most people I say stupid or weird things to probably don't dwell on what I said, they probably think, "OK, she's a little weird", and they move on.  But I replay the dumb things.  Kind of the "Dumbest Things I've Said Playlist". 

If I was giving advice to someone, I'd tell them to not dwell on this.  Seems like I need to take my own advice sometimes.  If someone actually does read this, if you're wondering, "If being around crowds gives you such anxiety, then why go?"  I won't be successful with a social roadblock.  If no one knows who I am, how can they trust me enough to hire me, be my friend, or my mentor?  So, what do you do?  Mingle - just try not to be weird like me.